Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
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If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
when there are deer in the woods
U talkin 2 me?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.