Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming