*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
You Might Also Like
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Stick it to the man
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
She puts the hot in psychotic
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life