Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone đ
Him: We all are…
You Might Also Like
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: Thatâs Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My catâs been taken.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of somethingâŚflowery? Yes, Iâd like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? NoâŚ.just something floralâŚ.like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. đĽ´
If you ever hear a parent say, âoh, good! it comes with glitter!â know that it is not, in fact, good.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Sure, weâve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
âBritney Spearsâ implies the existence of a âBritney Swordsâ, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: âŚ
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
When I write âI hope this email finds you wellâ Iâm referring to the emailâs skills in tracking you down.
Iâm at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Writing a horror story where parents wonât just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. Itâs called, âYou Really Donât Have to Stay.â
ALEX TREBEK: in einsteinâs famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am