Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
*watches the world burn*
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft