I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
emergency phone
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
idk flipping houses looks really hard