this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
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*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally