Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
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the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours