My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
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Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.