Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
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My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
oh my gosh!!
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
San Francisco has too many rules
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”