Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.