Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
You Might Also Like
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer