Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
good let them take over I have had enough
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
me opening up to someone
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram