Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
You Might Also Like
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
hmm conte-me mais
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
still the best tweet of the year by far
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]