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Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I am a gravy boat captain
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Meow
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.