I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Look at this
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.