Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
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I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
same vibe as tangled headphones
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.