I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
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I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet