Nothing to do, you say?
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I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
respect
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc