Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
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Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire