[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
You Might Also Like
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Oops I deleted….
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.