Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
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A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Coffee for people with no kids
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?