If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Put this video in the Louvre