I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
LOL!
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic