Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
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Trumpy Cat
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
who will stop them