Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Okey dokey.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt