I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
You Might Also Like
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
a badder mouse
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The cake is mightier than the sword.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.