You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
tis the season
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
forgive me baja for i have blast
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.