“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
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“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.