Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.