Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.