*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
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Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?