From my Mom
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WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out