[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.