Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Doctors texting each other.
Spring of Deception
Coffee is ready.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch