Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
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Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*