10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Always 🥴
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN