Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
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Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
wtf is a larm clock?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for