Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
If only.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin