It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
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*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I know this now 😂
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.