i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
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An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year