This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
You Might Also Like
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here