I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Finally! 😈
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I gave up going to work for lent.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”