She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.