why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
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I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Thursday
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
That’s no pocket rocket.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.