Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
happy friday
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea