I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Come back with a warrant
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
are they though??
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now