Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.