“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Canada has crack?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]