It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.